lonely

you have been gone for nearly three months now.
although i have been up in Sydney for a couple of times...
it's still so different from when you were down here in Melbourne.

Melbourne felt so different without you by my side.
i wonder do you understand my feeling.
i felt left out when i was in sydney
because i am only someone who visited you occasionally
I am always the one who is catching up on last month's happening...

i can't attend someone's birthday party cos i am not there that weekend.
you seem to enjoy more of your friends companion rather than mine...
which sometime it does come to my mind..i confess.

should i just end this now so i can regain or partially regain my normal self
I can see all your flaws
ending this would be the right thing to do
but i can't cos whenever i thought of it...
your better side comes to my mind.
the things that you did for me....
the things you said

tell me how George...
tell me how can i get into your heart.....
if i am not there now.

it doesn't help when everyone beside me are so happy with the other half with them all the time
do you understand?

what is goin to happen to us?

I am happy for you...you finally have a chance to do something different...better than getting stucked with ur current job that you don't like.

Try as hard as I could not to think what will happen to us if you are to go back to sydney.
I used to think I will just go with you if you are goin back to sydney
but things are different when this happen....

What will happen to us?
You mentioned that you believe that long distance relationship will never work....
that is my belief too...
but what if you are going back to sydney?
will this be the end of us?

Been such a long time since I last post an entry....

I was pretty angry with him on Thursday...
He is going to Tasmania the week after I am back from Malaysia.
I was angry because he is going away so soon after I am back.
A selfish thought.
He ask me to think about what he is going through...
He says he badly wanted to go away for a weekend from his work...
"I didn't stop you from going away for 3 months, why can't I go away for 2 days?"he said.
...so he thinks I am selfish. He thinks I only think about myself and not him.
maybe I am.

He keeps going away on random trips with his friends, I am always being left behind.
It just doesn't feels nice...even though some of it is my own choice.

I know he is thinking that I am now trying to control him, and not giving him freedom.
but I am not...i try not too..
because I think he will not like this.

few months back...
I ask him would he like to visit Malaysia. He said no.
I was disappointed, but his answer was not a surprise to me.
Who would want to sacrifice his whole holiday to face my parents...
for someone he may not love for life...it hurts to even think that he might think this way.

Insecure is the word that summarize my whole situation.
I can't ask him to give something which I want when he doesn't want to give it...
because I believe if someone love u he would call without u asking them.
because I believe if someone love u although he is not saying it his action will show it.
because I believe if someone love u he would take initiative in asking about your day
because I believe if someone love u as much he would... he would...

He says he cares about me, but does he love me?
I want to believe he does but I am not sure about the truth because he never say so

Sometimes I think I have high expectations,
some tell me it's good but others told me it might destroy the relationship.
Who am I to listen to?
my intuition tells me the opposite of both....

Be myself. She said. I agree.
I just hope we can go through this together...